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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

8:33AM

hey
what is up? I am bored...I may have a job at Taco Bell. Which might be cool. I meet this guy I really seem to like Mcols.

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Wednesday, September 8, 2004

7:13AM - whatever

honestly after talk to james's answering machine about twice and then going to the game soccer game and then getting yelled at by my mother.... i think that i am just going to move back to illinois because honestly i don't see things getting any better for me... james and i are ever going to get back to together and my mother come just go bite becuase i tried of trying to be the perfect child for her.... soccer sucks and i am really thinking about quieting. well here is what i think about james right now.... i hate him but then i don't... i really don't care what he does anymore and then i do... i think right now he is right and wrong... he is wrong right because we do need time a part but he is wrong for not tell me the true reason and me having to find out from the people at work... and after that right there i really don't even want to be his friend becuase he would get mad if i don['t that but when it comes to him its ok... you i still love james but a part of me loving him is letting him get what he wants even if it is not me.... byez

Current mood: confused

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Tuesday, September 7, 2004

7:23AM - well this sucks

i can believe this i have to work all week and i am feeling so sick i called in yesterday if i am not feeling any better i am not going to go to the game. well me and james break up again i think this time it is for good... it sucks and i really did not want it to happen! i want to kings island yesterday with my family and gill and the whole time i thought about james.... i ddon't want to move on but it really seem like i will have to

Current mood: blank

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Thursday, August 12, 2004

3:03PM - ok nothing bad

so me,james,kattie,mollie,and gill are talking about going to go boweling tomorrow. This should be funny because i have not bowel in i think five years.... i am at mollie's house.... i have to call my mom but i think she will let me go.... i tired and i have to go to work at four

i can't believe that it has been one month and a week... i sat there last night thinking and cry because cristable had call and asked me how i was and he said that he still loved me and that he wants us to try again and i will be truthful a part of me wanted to say yes but things would not be the same and i am happier with james then i was with cristable... but then i thought about the fact that i was happy about a week before me and cristalbe broke up what if that happens again.... i need help someone

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Tuesday, July 20, 2004

10:20PM - i want sleep

i am so beyond tired and i really want to spend time with james but i don't have time ....this sucks.... i am so ready to go to sleep but i still have to read withmy brother and sister. i have to get up at 6:00am tomorrow and that sucks because i probably won't go to sleep until 3 again like last night...i want school to start not only will i be able to see the people that i have been talking and the pnone in person but then i get to spend a little more time with james and i know that his job comes first but it would be probably more time then i see him now...

cristalbe called me back and for us being friend we are sure doing a lot of fighting and it is wrost then when me and james start disagreeing with each other i need help

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Saturday, July 17, 2004

7:17PM - nothing much

i got off work early it was kinda fun today!!! it was me, patty, james, ben, joyce, and oh my gosh i can't remember her name... but this is one of the best day that i had to work. but it kinda sucks because james is still at work and i can't call him this is probably the first time i have gotten off before him... but it is sad because i have nothing to do so i cleaned my room again and counted my stuffed eeyores and i have 17 and 54 beanie babies.... i called cristabe colon back he said that he would call me back at he leaves six flags....and thought about what catherine said and think that she right.... there are days when i just want to make someone feel bad because then it makes me happy and i know that i shouldn't do it but i did and I AM SORRY james and i really do love you and think what you told patty was a good idea but if i go you can't make fun of me when i get scared....i work five days next week allin the morning with guess who not james but ben... i had gotten a job to get away from him and now i work with him this is so beyond funny because one off the reasons that i broke up with him was because i thought that we would not see each other after school got out it is not that we talk at work but when my mom takes him home there are times i just want to shoot him... i really wish DQ would have hired him so this way he could bug kattie at work...speeking of work james gets off it about 20 mins.

ok a side note here james i gave you that paper because i would like it if you would help me on some of those things like grade and opening up and what very else you think you can help me on.... i love you more and i can prove it this!!!!

Current mood: happy

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Thursday, July 15, 2004

11:43PM - i understand

i understand that i should be an active part of james life but he never want to does anything that i want to do... like this weekend i want to go to the fair but he does not want to so he's not going, went i said something about him showing up to my soccer games he did not say anything i understand he can't do everything that i want him to do but to me it really seems right now he gets way he wants and i don't... i mean look he wanted me to work at wendy's and do now and he want to see that movie on tuesday and with all honesty i really did not want to see that movie but i did not say anything. i want to run for 11th grade rep. this year and i want him there for me and he made it every clear that he does not want to be there

i don't know how many people have to me that the third time is the charm and if we can't make it work this time then there is no reason to try again but we are just fighting (not all the time)and i don't know how to fix that because it is driving me nuts instead of going to sleep i am usually up to one in the morning thinking about what i said and most of the time i end up crying myself to sleep

Current mood: crying
Current music: Boyz to Men

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9:58AM - why

yesterday went down hill see normally i don't mind working with james but not yesterday... you see i really don't want to see that movie and i total think that it he should take some one who wants to see it like patty...i really just want to kill him yesterday because almost everythiing we said to each was to make that one mad... but he won he has me really pissed off it is one thing to fight and it is an other not to say anything before you leave... i don't know what i am mad about more him leaving witout saying anything or the fact that this is all about a stupid movie... i know that i keep telling mysellf that it's not a big deal and scerw if he wants me to go then i go

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Monday, July 5, 2004

2:01PM - what is up

well i am dating james again and think this time it will work and think that i love him a lot... well i am trying to find a job and i have an interview and tuesday with taco bell and on wednesday with wendy's. that should be intrusting!!!!! i had fun so far with school being out but i am ready to go back... i also talked james in to going to the home coming dance i love you james... i will see you on wednesday oxoxoxox

Current mood: cheerful

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Tuesday, June 22, 2004

12:41PM - almost doesn't count

that feel that someone is so close but yet so far away!!!! i think about and he is on my mind and i don't know how to get him he is a part of every guy i dated this and i think that is way it hurt so much to talk to him again.... you know he said those word that i wanted to hear "i am single to" i wanted everything to return to the way they were before i moved to wv..... i wanted that feeling of safe and happeness and the feeling of nothing ever going wrong again.... i talk about him a lot with kevin and kevin she trying just hard as to figure out way i can't get over him..... please help..... i almost to him that i want to try again!!!!!

Current mood: crushed
Current music: almost doesn't count

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Monday, June 21, 2004

10:13AM - what is love

i think so far this has been one of the most difficult vaction for me the summer i deside to take off from dating i meet this to good to be true, i would run away and get married to, my knight in shining armer typy of guy. As most of you know i went to brandson and i swear i never saw so most hot guys in one place. but i stay to true to my promise to myself i am not dating any of the guys i meet oh and that frist guy i meet at the winerine he is 18 and his name is jason. but anyway right now i am in illinois at my sister tiffany's house and i won't be back until the day before my birthday.


as you problem know i am trying to find myself this summer and that means that i have been doing a lot of think about who i am and what i want and where i want to go in life.... but right now i want to thank a few people who without i don't know where i would be....

my grandfather
i want to start with the one preson it is to late for me to thank my grandfather or JaJa as i called him... it really is true you never know how much you need that preson until they are gone. my grandfather was one of those many people in my life that pushed me because he knew that i could do better... i remember when cristable colon and i break up after about eight months of trying to make it work and all i want to do was cry went i thought about him not being in me future my grandfather was one of the few that knew that i would have give any to show that i really did love him and that i wasn't ready to give up....he tried just like everyone else to cheer and to forget about cristalbe but the one thing that stuck in my mind was that i may not be with him but i am a part of him just like he is a part of me... my grandfather would alway tell me that if he was young that he would make happy and i won't cry over these guys that i date... and that thing happen but we learn for them and we grow stronger... so JaJa i love you and i miss you and thanks for being there and trying so hard to make me see that i should be happy becuase i have so much to be pride about myself

my mom
i think that i am one of the most diffcult preson to live with... i know there are so many to that i should just open and talk to you about what i am feeling and what is going on in my life... and i know that there are time when you can't stand me being so quiet about what i think and what is going out... but there are so many time when i am scared to to say anything to you. but i see now that you love me more than anyone could because you try so hard to get my to talk and you try to push me so that i will get those better grades and you got it i am go to give it all i got next year. i love you and i will try to make you pride of me

my eve
there is just so much you help me on that i don't know where to start but all i say is thank so much

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Sunday, June 6, 2004

9:14PM - what the heck

here is my opinion i think that catherine and david should date... i think that they may a couple abd they look good together. i am not at all mad about it anymore because mr. fulmer was right he is just another guy... and there are a whole lot more guys out there. i just need to take some off of date to get to know myself better and grow up... i really need some help though from my friends anytime you think i need to shut up say it please and anytime i am acting to childish told me... its time i grew up!!! love you all

Current mood: calm
Current music: what does love have to do with it

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Thursday, June 3, 2004

8:22AM - don't know anymore

i don't know what to do anymore!!! David likes catherine and i not really up set about that any more.... mean i think that it is good that he likes her. a least i am trying not to care because it really not any of my concern with he does anymore right... i don't know i am all confused now... everyone says that i should follow me heart but everytime i do it leads me the something like this!!! i think it is about time that i give up on the whole dating think... i want david to be happy but over all i think i don't want him to be happy with out me.i want to be more then just friends but seems like i am better off just not talking about it anymore because my feeling about people are just wrong... i want to move back home. at least then i had other friends that just my ex-boyfriends friends. i don't know anymore becuase the more i think about the more i should just quit!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway i talked to kevin yesterday and he sent me a picture of his cat.... we talk about my feeling for cris..... now that is a topic that i hate talking about because i think that cris the biggest a** hole in the world....and i end up conplaning about the fact that i am so ugly and that i need a face lift hahaha. kevin is such a good friend

Current mood: confused

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Monday, May 31, 2004

6:15PM - ok here is how it is

i went to the ballet on Friday. Then on Saturday my big brother e-mailed me back and tell me to be straight forward about my feeling for these two people and not to hold anything back!?!?!?!? Now anyone who knows me.... knows that i am scared becuase i worry about what people think and say about me... but he said it would help so here it goes......

James ah well i don't know what to say because our relationships have been hard on both of us... i want to start off by sayinng that i am sorry for proable being the wrost girl friend you ever had.... but i like you and when i like someone start to push them away... but there where a lot of thing that we both need to work out ...like .... i am not one that has to have her boyfriend around her all the time becuase to me it means one of two thing you don't trust me enough to leave me alone or that you are unsirqur about us and then there when i just want you to listen and not say anything at all....and the fact that when we had a problem everbody else would know aboit it before me the person that you have the relationship with.... do to talk to me just like i need to talk to you but you also need to cut back on your double standers....... my feeling are not as strong a more because i stop telling myself that you are the best i can do and that i was always happy with you... i like you but not enough to go out with you again... to me you will be a better friend then a boyfriend. plus from what i read you like two other people so good luck with those girls. i will be your friend if that is what you want!!!!!

David i have told you many times how i feel about you and it has always came back to bite me in the butt..... because i feel bad about tell you because of the same reason i try not to cry in front of people... i think that in many way i want you but then i don't want to hold you back from you being you and getting that girl who means the world to you....i want you to be free but then i don't. i know that there are so many things i did wrong while we dating and i sorry..... i know that i said that i would never go back out with you but i was wrong and mad and up set..... and i know that right now is the wrong time to ask you for a secornd chance but i would really like one. but if you like someone go for her.

hey i done becuase i have to go eat byes

Current mood: hopeful

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Thursday, May 27, 2004

5:11PM - i am done

i know that everyone wants me to tell him how i feel but i can't because..... i now know what i want is to do and a lot of people would say that i am running away from the problem .... i don't care this time i am not strong enough to deal with the problem and that problem is my feel for david and james. so for the rest of the year i will not be hang out at the ROTC. mean it because if they want to be with me then they will find me.... i am not go to be there for them to walk out off the room and start talking to me because their friends are in a meeting or their not there at the moment. don't get me wrong i still like them and all but i tired of being the last person to talk to. i tired of be the just because person..... because then if that is all i am to them. then their are not wroth me time. i tiredof crying because i want to be with them and them not caring.... someone once told me never to settle and now know why.

david and james you both have a week to find me and tell me what you want to do. then you and i will have deside on what we both think is better. if you don't talk to me in that week i am done being your friend and i want not to do with you

Current mood: bitchy
Current music: the rose

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7:32AM - help

i hate being here right now... i stayed up most of the night because i was up set about what i did to james i need help.... if anyone has an ideas how to help... please

Current mood: sad

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Wednesday, May 26, 2004

6:57PM - just thinking

i hate it when ever i do something i question myself a million times if what i am doing or did was the right thing to do.... i don't know this time and i am so scared of what just happen and i kinda wish it didn't happen.... i wish i could take back everything i told megan to say and i wish i would have keep my mouth shut. i found the paper i was writing for james and started to cry....i want to call him and say that i am sorry and that i want to be together and that we could work though anything but then a part of me says not to that i should just want for david ..... but i don't know. i kinda wish me and david had never dated and then that other part says that i should not have dated james. i found myself stuck in the middle wanting both of them.... because both of them have something about them that makes me relex. it just that i would lose james next year and that scared me even more, but with david i would have a little more time. this year went by so fast and if that is the case with next year we are not going to have that much time together!!!!!! i want him but which him do i want.... i going to put myself out there. if you are willing to try again.....i will give all i can to make it work.... you have my word that i will try my best for you and me to work out!!!!!!!!!

Current mood: sympathetic

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5:46PM - sometime

I think sometime i should eat my only words.... i did the same thing to james that he did to me...i didn't talk about what i felt and i didn't give him the chance to help me with this problem. i feel so bad inside.... i just want everthing to be ok. i can't see this getting any better... when he called he wanted to tell him thatit was a joke.... but then i don't want to hurt him. i think i am though with going out with people because it gets hard to deal with everytime..... i am just so sorry that i hurt people

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Monday, May 24, 2004

4:39PM - nothing matter

i think my boyfriend is gay (LOL i read your journal) call me today before 7pm

Current mood: amused
Current music: out of the box theme song

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Friday, May 21, 2004

6:11PM - let's see

My life suck... almost everyone knows why.... i don't know what i want anymore. you see everytime i get what i want...i end up wanting something else... don't get me wrong i want i a lot of the things i have but i also want more and i seem to be stuck were i am where i am and i don't like it... i want be back home because for so reason i feel that if i was back home my grandfather would still be a live because i would have been there to help him fight and he wouldn't of given up.... let's see i miss kevin and lydia and erika... i was so happy see them there... to be prefectly honus i never cryed as hard as i did in front of anyone as i did then. i just want to let everything go but then i don't want to hurt people by what i say... i just feel like screaming at a few people but don't want to hurt them... so i am bottleing it up and it is killing me !!!!!!!

Current mood: irritated

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